A few weeks ago I wrote an blog post about a group killer, Inconsistent Attendance. Today I will tackle another killer of groups, Difficult Group Members. 

If you have been leading groups for a while, there is a chance you have already had experience in this area. I have had experience with many difficult group members and they were harmful to my group. Although we may hope that the difficulty will fade away with time, the fact is, as the leader, you have to deal with the situation or else it will not go away.

While it is not inclusive, here are 5 common Difficult Group Members that you might be able to relate to:

1. The Dominator - The Dominator will overtake the group with their own thoughts and opinions. Often times, they are not interested in the opinions of others. Dominators are difficult to deal with, but their behavior in the group must be addressed.


   
   
2. The Story Topper - Related to the dominator, this person is often more interested in displaying their own knowledge and experiences than learning from others. The problem with the Story Topper is other people in your group start to feel the group is not a safe place to share as their thoughts, opinions and experiences are often trumped.
   
   
3. The Comedian - This person has difficulty allowing the conversation to get and stay serious. This will limit the depth your group members are willing to go because the Comedian will often resist the group heading toward depth.


   
   
4. The Emotionally Needy - This person tends to make every group meeting a therapy session just for them and will suck the life out of the room.


   
   
5. The Persistently Negative - This person simply has nothing good to say and, like the Emotionally Needy person, they tend to bring the energy in the room down.
   
   

I know that list by itself doesn’t give hope yet, but there is hope! People typically want to be helpful and add to your group. So here are 3 tips to help you deal with a difficult person and bring more health to your group: 

1. Confront the issue in a caring way. Before having the conversation, I recommend praying for a pure heart, the right words for yourself and open ears for the group member. Then have a one-on-one conversation with the difficult member. Ask the group member if you can share your observations about how they behave in the group. Once you get permission, share your observations - be direct, but kind. Ask for their feedback and offer to be a helpful partner in their improvement. If the person agrees to strive for improvement, celebrate progress when you notice it.


   
   
2. Re-establish the ground rules. When your group started, most likely you shared some ground rules for the group. Ground rules are simply what is allowed or not allowed in your group. You probably mentioned confidentiality in the group, you may have established the time and frequency the group meets. Every so often, it is worth reminding the member of the group of the expected and acceptable behavior. This may help eliminate or reduce the some of the behavior that is killing your group.
   


3. Ask for help. Isolation is a tool of the enemy. Never feel you have to deal with any situation alone. The Vineyard offers support for our group leaders in many ways.

• Prayer is a powerful weapon when dealing with difficult circumstances. Communicate your challenge to your Group Coach and/or the person over groups at your campus. Leverage the years of experience available to you.


  
  
• Take a Vineyard FIT leadership class. There are several quality classes offered that can help stretch you in your leadership skills. An upcoming class is Lead Like Jesus.
  
  
• Take advantage of the Leadership Training Meetings. Pastor Mark’s vision for 2018 is “Going DEEP so we can go WIDE.” One way we are helping leaders go deep is with several Leadership Training Meetings this year. Keep your eyes open for an invitation to the next meeting. And if you missed the last one, you can watch it here.



For many of us, having a difficult conversation is never easy, but it is very necessary. As the leader, you are the shepherd of your group. One of your duties as a shepherd is to protect your flock, and having every member of your group participating in a healthy way is the best way to protect the flock.

Photo by Phil Coffman on Unsplash

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