I lie — on the couch, on my bed, in a chair — and cry out to God, yet again. I wonder where He is, why I can’t hear Him, why He speaks in ways I don’t understand. Why others clearly seem so connected to Him in ways I am not.

I have prayed for breakthrough, longing in my heart for more, asking for more. Hoping my prayers would accumulate like the slow drip-drip of a leaking faucet, until one day my cup would overflow with understanding. Or, that the weight of my prayers would tip the scale in my favor.

Nope.

Hasn’t happened.

I question, “If God really does want to be close to me, why doesn’t He respond with ‘Yes’ when I ask for this?”

And the inevitable happens. My mind starts to wander. Is God really there? If I hear no response, maybe He’s not. No matter how many times I’ve settled this in my mind, I wonder. Are my prayers really nothing more than intentional thinking? Are they mere thoughts aimed really hard at a non-existent target?

Then I remember, “Where else will you go?”

In John 6, Jesus finished teaching hard things to a group of people. So hard in fact, that some of the disciples deserted Him. So, Jesus turned to His core group.

“‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go?’” (John 6:67-68).

Indeed.

After having just witnessed the feeding of a multitude and seeing Jesus walk on water, what earthly spectacle could compare? Peter had witnessed God in action. Why would hard teaching make him abandon that?

Peter went on, “You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God’” (John 6:68-69).
If I believe that Jesus is the Holy One of God, how can I abandon Him? How can I leave the Father who sent Him?

Jesus said, “‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent’” (6:29).

The deserting disciples quit their beliefs because they either didn’t like what they heard or they didn’t understand. How often have I been in that position, not liking or not understanding what God is saying?

The Twelve didn’t understand everything Jesus said either. But they stayed.

I think Jesus asks us, “You don’t want to leave too, do you?”

If I am honest, sometimes I do want to leave. Leaving seems easier than wrestling with a complex God. Leaving would be simpler.

But I won’t. I remember He has the words of eternal life. I believe and know Jesus is the Holy One of God. No other god died for me. No other god became less, so I could be more.

I don’t know why God is silent. Or, if He is not, then why He speaks in ways I don’t understand.

But I’ve decided. I. Won’t. Leave.

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