I want to start off by telling you a part of my story. July 22, 2000, was the day my world and belief in Jesus was turned upside down. My family got a phone call in the middle of the night that we never thought we would receive. My 16-year-old brother Bryan was killed by a drunk driver on his way home. I felt numbness right away and disbelief. How could this have happened? I just saw my brother 12 hours ago when he came home for a lunch break. I remember our last conversation very vividly and it ended with a “see you later,” but that “see you later” never happened. Bryan was sitting at a red light and the man who hit him was going over 100 mph.  

The funeral procession had over 100 cars and 2 buses full of football players and friends. At only 16, he made a huge impact in the lives of people he met, both young and old. My brother was a going to be a senior in high school and just made the football team after trying out for the first time ever.  He was obviously talented and had a great future ahead of him. Bryan was my protector, even from a young age. He was supposed to be a husband, dad, uncle, and even a grandpa in his life. I couldn’t understand why Jesus took my brother away from us and in such a tragic way. My faith was out the window. Why would a God who thought of me as his child, want to hurt me and my family like this? Nothing the past 17 years have been the same. I was only 14 years old, I wasn’t equipped to handle this. This was the first time that I felt that my faith was tested.

It took me 15 years to FULLY forgive Jesus for what I thought he did.  It was shortly after my husband and I started attending The Vineyard that my transformation began.

It is so easy to stay in a place of hopelessness, but you have to understand - With God, all things are possible. I want to give hope to those who think situations, big or small are hopeless. After years of searching and trying to understand God’s grace and love, I’ve started to understand a little bit of this beautiful thing called hope.Here are a few tips on how to turn that anger towards Jesus into hope in Jesus.

1. Forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-32, "Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ." 

Shortly after attending The Vineyard, Pastor Mark spoke about forgiveness and told whoever needed help with that to come forward, my heart was beating, there were tears in my eyes, I knew Jesus was telling me it was time to forgive. I had to fully forgive Jesus and forgive myself for blaming him and doubting his love for me after all these years. Forgive Otis, the man who killed my brother. I also had to forgive my parents for treating me differently because my brother was no longer around and feeling like I was forgotten about or never good enough. After I did all that, there was this HUGE weight off my heart. I felt like a new person.

2. Give your problems over to God.

Luke 1:45, “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.”

I learned that I had to give God this burden I was carrying. And that he would help get me thru this pain, hatred, and forgiveness for all involved. No problem was too big for my God to handle. It took me awhile to realize that He has my back and won’t let me down. And that He really did love me, and wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t handle.

3. Pray.

Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I prayed for God to heal my heart. To heal anything that made me feel anger towards the situation, any person, and anger towards God. I also pray for God to show me where I could use my tragic event and make a difference in someone else’s life, to help someone who feels hopeless. That they were not alone. I have met a few people who also lost siblings in a tragic way and I was able to help and pray for them.

 4. Recommitting your life to Christ.

Deuteronomy 6:5, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all you might.”

In November of 2015, I decided to recommit my life to Christ and get re-baptized. My life since then has never been the same. I have full faith in my God and what he can do for me and for others. I will never doubt his love for me and I know that any problem big or small, he will always be there. I am so grateful that my God never gave up on me and I am his child forever and always.

My tragic event that I thought I would never be able to move forward from turned into a hopeful ending with Jesus Christ being apart of my life. I still miss Bryan every single day, and always will. But I know now that God had bigger plans for Bryan. And I have come to realize that I have the best guardian angel looking after me and my family day after day. I am blessed for the 14 years I did have with Bryan and the memories that we shared. I am very hopeful that I will see him again. It’s because of losing him I gained my relationship with Jesus back.

Tessa Rampersad

Mary Mark is the administrative assistant to Pastor Alan Mock and the accounting coordinator. She also serves as the coordinator for weddings, the office support team, and the counting team. Mary is happily married to her husband, Phil and together they have a wonderful son, Kris.

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