2 Timothy 2:14 – 16, “Keep reminding God’s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen.  Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.”

Often times, when quarrels happen between individuals - it can get messy fast. We live in a world where it is so easy to express concern about someone else’s behavior to someone else, while not expressing your concern to that individual- but that doesn’t really solve the problem! If we are having issues with someone, we need to confront them in a loving and caring way instead of making matters worse.

Now, I’m not saying that I am perfect at this, but I have found a way to resolve conflict with people by using these three steps:

Step 1: Consult God.

When I first have a conflict with someone, the first step I do is consult and ask God to clear my mind of negative thoughts and determine whether I need to address the person. If I feel that God is telling me that it is all a misunderstanding on my part, then I ask Him to change my mind and help me to rethink about the issue and correct it on my side. If I feel God saying to go talk with the person, then I ask for Him to guide me with my words and mindset during the future conversation.

Step 2: Meet up.

Schedule a meeting to talk with the person. Preferably meet in person, but, if that is not an option, then a phone call would be the next option. Very rarely will I have these types of conversations over a text message because of how many ways a text message can be read, which could make matters worse instead of resolving the issue.

Going to other people before addressing the issue only makes things worse because it doesn’t solve the problem, but sometimes makes other people think negatively toward the person we have issues with. We need to be a community where we have the courage and humility to go to the person we are having issues with and discuss our concerns.

Step 3: Clarify.

At the end of the conversation, I like to confirm that everything is ok between us and usually they say “I am glad you talked with me and got it straightened out.” If there is no resolution between you and the person involved, then keep working through those issues.

In Matthew 5:23, Jesus says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”  He doesn’t say go talk to Sally or Bill and then maybe go discuss your concern with George. He says go to your brother or sister that has something against you and settle your concern, then come back and offer your gift.

Once I started to do this in my life, I noticed my life got less stressful because, if I feel some sort of tension, I just ask them, “Is everything ok between us? I feel a little tension and just want to make sure everything is good.”  This allows the means of communication to open both ways, so they can express any concern they have with me and I can share how I am feeling about our relationship.

Also, I need to remember to receive their thoughts as constructive criticism. There are some situations that I didn’t even realize what I did when they mentioned it, and it allows me to avoid that behavior in the future and explain and ask for forgiveness.

 Phil maintains and oversees the general maintenance of the facilities at The Vineyard. Also, he coordinates the cleaning, facility maintenance, outdoor maintenance, and coffee teams. 

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